Longing
by cerespallas
Summary: Anyone can be me. I can be anyone, as long as you dream. Reality is hard, dream is where I want to live. In my dream, we are together...forever...


Disclaimer: I don't even own the CD of FF8 anymore…

_Warning: Depression alert_

Edit 31/8/2008: errors fixed.

_Final edits 11/4/2012: yeah, I read everything and changed what's necessary. Depressed is still depressed. If I changed the theme, then it'll be titled 'Confusing' and 'What the Hell was I Revising'. _

* * *

**LONGING**

By Cerespallas

* * *

I need to rest.

Easier said than done, I've tried anything. But I can't get him out of my mind. The way he talks, the way he looks…

…At her.

_Why can't it be me?_

I glance up when they walk closer to me. She waves at me. I wave back.

_Why?_

Maybe because that's how people think I am. Nice, kind-hearted, thoughtful…

_I __am__ none of it._

They sit across me, at my table. I smile. Not because I'm happy.

He looks at me, eyes full of questions. I guess sometimes he does realize how I feel.

_If so, why he still chose her?_

"Oh, your hair's grown longer, honey," she says in a lover's tone, her hand traces his bangs.

"No one has any time to cut it nowadays," he murmurs. "Want to do it?"

"Sure!" She smiles and kisses his cheek.

_Why do they have to do this in front of me?_

"So..." She turns to me. "Is it true that you're getting promoted? Congratulations!"

"Thanks."

She continues to talk, not even realizes my forced smile.

_Why did he pick you? Why not me? Why never me?_

I can't remember when I started to long for him. His eyes, his lips, his hands…

The way he looks when he thinks about something. The way he moves his lips as he lets out his mind.

The way his hair waves as he turns his head… to look at you.

The way he smiles when he hears you talk…

Why does everything revolve around you?

_I can do it too. I can make him happy. If you don't exist; he __will__choose__ me…_

_Why do you have to be here?_

"I know how much you want it," she says, still smiling. Of course she smiles; I would smile forever if I am his. "I'm so glad you finally got something you want!"

_If so, would you give him to me?_

I smile, faking a look at my watch. "I have to go now," I say. "Have another work to do."

"Okay!" It has to be her that replies and waves. "See you later!"

"Don't work too hard," he warns me. I shake my head and sigh as I walk away.

I retreat to my room. Where everything is fine.

No one has ever come to my room, not even them. I have my own world to myself. The world where I can be together with him, as he climbs through my balcony, as he smiles when I hug and kiss him.

The world where there are only the two of us. There is no her, nobody. Just us.

-x-x-x-

It hurts more than yesterday. And the day before.

It hurts even more than last week.

Sometimes…

I couldn't be with you anymore…

I couldn't dream about us…

… Not unless I hold the razor to my wrist, holding it so close the red flows out.

When I started to feel warm, I could feel you near me. When I lost my consciousness, I could feel you hug me.

When I awoke, dizzy and tired, you were gone.

_Why did you le__ave__?_

I always pondered about it. But as I once again hold our favourite tool, the one that keeps us close, I know you're watching.

_As my blood paints the familiar art on the floor, I kiss you and laugh with you._

You are here, talking to me about how stupid she was.

_How could she ever think about having you, when everybody knows you're mine?_

_I know how much you love me..._

_The way you embrace me, whispering sweet nothings and kissing my head._

_Oh, how I love it…_

_What? What is it?_

The phone is ringing…

_Wait here, honey…_

"…Yes?"

"Hey." _Oh, you call me!_ "You said you have work to do?"

"Um… yes, in my dorm." Why did you ask? You're just here!

"I forgot to tell you something," you say.

"…About what?" _Is there something I don't know already?_

"We… she and I, we're about to get married," you continue, "I proposed to her last night. And… she said she wants you to be the planner. Would you do us the honour?"

"…I…" _Of course, this has to be a joke!_ "…I'll be happy to!"

"Great," you reply. "She'll be with you this afternoon. She already got something planned for our wedding."

_Our wedding… whose wedding…? Us? Yours?_

"I'll see you later." You hang up. Just like that, no sweet words.

I frown, hanging up the phone. _That was weird; I know you were in my bathroom! Did you call me through your cell phone?_

I walked to the bathroom.

_You had left. Not again…_

_You did this often now… whenever I went to do something, as I turned around, you __were gone__…_

I sit in the same spot, reaching for our tool.

_Seems like I have to do this better…_

I trace the purple line before pushing our razor downwards. Sideways, upwards, it never mattered.

_What mattered is whenever the warmth coming out of me, you w__ill__ be here again._

I smile as you walk in, sitting next to me. You put your head on my shoulder.

'Sorry about that,' you murmur.

"What is that all about?" I whisper, "You're marrying her?"

'No, it's just her illusion.' You calm me. 'I was about to propose to you where she walked in and saw the ring I save up for you.'

"And about the planning…?"

'We have to make sure she's alright before we drop the bomb.' You sigh. 'I have to go.'

"What?" I turn my head at you. "You're just here! Can't you stay longer?"

'I can, if you do it again.' You point to the red on my wrist. 'I can only stay as long as you do this,'

"Okay." I raise our tool again. "How should I do this, so you stay forever?"

You smile. The sweetest smile I ever see.

_How I love the way you make me feel…_

'Push it tracing the veins,' you suggest, pointing at the purple line on my arm. 'It's already there; all you have to do is follow it.'

"Then you'll be with me forever?"

'Forever.'

I smile. "That's easy. We did this many times already." I push the razor, following the lines of my veins and smiling as it starts to bleed out. "See? I'm good at this,"

You come back to sit next to me, and lean to me again.

"What should we tell her?" I wonder aloud, "she seemed too happy…"

'Don't worry about it.' You caress my hair. 'Don't worry about anything. You have me now.'

"I always have you."

'Now you have me forever.'

I yawn as my head gets lighter. I lie down and put my head on your lap. "Your thigh is cold…"

'It is?'

"Yeah..." I flutter my eyes close. "The blood comes out faster than usual…"

'It does. Just let it that way…'

"I love you…"

'Now you have me.'

I smile as the darkness takes me away. _Everything is okay once again, he is here._

_Not with her. He's here because of me._

_He's here for me._

I embrace the darkness and the cold. I go along with it. The cold and hard floor feels even colder with my life essences surrounding me.

As long as he's with me, it's all that mattered.

Because we're together...

Forever.

* * *

**_FIN_**

* * *

P.S.: Who is "me"? I have someone particular in mind, but I leave the guesses to you.

2012 P.S.: After so long I think about writing the names and getting to the point. I read it again and it's not going to work. The anonymity is part of the story. Just so you know, if you think she is that someone, you got it right.


End file.
